My Journey to God

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I struggled with the decision whether I wanted to talk about my faith walk through the years to the whole world but then decided why not? When you talk about religion or a certain belief, it can get rather testy between individuals. I am not a confrontational kind of person, so I am not up for a debate I promise. I am in no way putting down any one for their walk or beliefs. It is not to discriminate against a certain denomination. It is me just keeping it real for me. It is my experiences and feelings, as a believer in the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, which I share with an open heart.

I have found when you say you believe in God, that also is up for debate, so I just wanted to be clear about which God I follow. I have found that everyone goes through their own spiritual journey and it takes one down many winding roads. I honestly believe, with each path I have taken, I learned a little something that is precious and true. Just because I may not "get it" completely, does not mean God is not working within me. So as I share my thoughts and feelings. Please don't get offended! I hope you will read with an open heart and mind.

As a child, I was raised in a Southern Baptist church. I came to know who Jesus was at a very young age. At the age of eight my brother and I sat down with my parents to discuss what it meant to become a Christian. In our church, a sign of becoming a believer, you would have a defining moment in time, which one would walk to the front of the church. A person would make a public statement that he or she wanted to be "saved". This meant you were asking Jesus into your heart and then you were a Christian. At that moment, the Holy Spirit would come into you.

I honestly did not feel Jesus coming into me; I just believed he was there. I always wondered if we were born with the spirit of God in us already. It may be sort of like a light switch that you turn on. Once you realize you have been in the dark, you just say," Hi God" acknowledging him and he makes his presence known. After this you can now partake in communion and be baptized. Being baptized meant total immersion in water. This was a picture of Christ death and resurrection. The Baptism did not save you but it showed everyone around you were not ashamed.

As a child walking down the long red carpet to the front of the church was a really big event to our families and friends. It was explained to me that this assured my brother and I in the "Lambs book of Life". We could go to heaven as our names were now in the book. To a young child this was very important. We did not want to go to Hell and that is what would happen if we were not saved (as taught by our church). We had reached the age of accountability. Babies did not go to Hell but once you understood the concept of who God was and that he died on a cross, then you were responsible for your salvation decisions. I wish I could say all of a sudden I was enlightened and this was the end of the story unfortunately, it was through many years of life's lessons that taught me how to be a Christian. I am still learning every day. If I ever think I have arrived then that would make me God and I am sure I'm not. Even using the name Christian sometimes I question that. It means so many things to different people and thus putting you into a category that you may not want to be put in. This label is harder to let go of. I am a believer in the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I am a believer in Yeshua. That is Jesus Hebrew name. I still do not know why we do not use this Hebrew name. I got a little side tracked, sorry, I will continue with my story.

My brother and I met with the pastor, the week before we were to take the walk down the long, red carpet. My parents and pastor decided that the following Sunday my brother and I would walk down to the front of the church. We would shake hands with the pastor and take a stand for Christ. He would ask us a few questions and if we answered correctly, then it was done. This was very scary for a young child. I knew it was something meaningful and big. The congregation would sing this very sad hymn, "I Surrender All" and it seemed as if it dragged on forever. To a young child this was my observation. If no one came to the front, they would sing it again. To a small child, this was forever. I had watched many people crying as they walked up that long red carpet in Sundays past. I wasn't sure why they were crying. This was supposed to be a joyous event. As an adult, I understand now that this was a big turning point for many. They were leaving their old life behind and had decided to follow Jesus. After people made it to the front where the pastor was standing, the congregation would clap, and say Amen.

I knew I wanted Jesus in my heart. Deep down I knew he was already there. I sang about him, I read about him, and I prayed every night before I went to bed. This was different! In our church, this was a public recognition that you were joining the ranks of other believers. You were not ashamed to stand up and say I am a Christian. Once I did this, I was good to go, so I thought. It would be forty years later and many lessons in between, until I really understood the true meaning of being a Christian. I am not in no way saying that this was not a good thing. It did teach me at a young age that becoming a Christian was so big and life changing event.

Years past and I continued to go to church with my family. We were at the church on Sunday morning, Sunday evening and Wednesday nights. Church activities filled our week. I was involved with the youth groups, choirs, and plays. I learned also that if you drank, smoked, and did things that were not a part of living the Christian life, then you could not teach Sunday school. I always wondered as I got older why gluttony was never addressed. We had some big pot luck dinners with big appetites if you know what I mean. I did not learn about "People First". Jesus had this lesson down. The message somehow got lost somewhere in the church. I learned that our little group was inclusive. I never saw the church feeding the poor. I did learn that money was sent to foreign missions but did not see any go to local areas of towns. I learned a lot about the Bible and its wonderful stories. The only thing I believe I did not learn was the power of living my faith.  I learned to not do the ten deadly sins but I never learned how to live everyday with God at my side. I will never look down on my upbringing as this was part of putting me on the path of learning who God was. It was in my adult years, when things got really rough, that I realized I had no idea what all this was about. I had head knowledge but no heart knowledge.

As an adult I left the Southern Baptist Church and attended Non- Denominational churches. They are all different but most were Evangelical. This was a whole new concept for me. They spoke in tongues, danced, clapped and seemed so happy. They hugged a whole lot. Southern Baptist was more subdued in the churches I attended as a child. The music at the Evangelical churches was so inspiring. I loved it. They had bands with electric guitars, drums, and choirs that moved with the music. The alter calls were filled with people who were healed. The excitement on Sundays was the most emotional experience I had ever had in a church setting. After twenty years, the excitement began to fade. The emotionalism began to sound like a loud clanging symbol in my ear. The book stores starting being put in the churches with coffee houses. I am not kidding. CD’s, books, t-shirts, were being sold in the church. If I brought up my concerns I was being judgmental. It would be okay to judge someone for them being gay, or someone who fell into adultery. But do not question the money changers in the Temple..I think you get my drift. The congregation was so hyped, that the emotions of the people seemed like I was at a super bowl game. I could not hear God anymore. My flesh had been bathing in the excitement of raw emotion Sunday after Sunday but not really getting to know my Lord. I began to really reflect on what my belief system was. I tried to speak in tongues because I thought that would make me more Holy somehow. I would be closer to God if I could speak in this unknown language. I would be one of them. It just never seemed to stick. I wondered most of the time, what was wrong with me? Everyone else seemed to have this down. I asked some people about this and attempted to read about this gift but heard the same thing over and over. Maybe you never received the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. Well I did, I have, and I still could not utter the language! I finally decided I did not have this gift. I do believe it is a gift and some do have this. Is it misused? You bet it is!

I am so not a follower and can get stubborn in that respect. I am not going to do something just because the masses are doing it too. I tried it and it did not happen. My questions continued. My Bible talks about interpretation. Why it is the only one who speaks in tongues are certain people? Why is there no one to interpret? It is a gift but I read it is to edify the body. If that is the case, then I am not seeing it being practiced in the church the way the word says. I will talk enough about tongues. This would be a whole other blog and I am not the one to write it.

I joined the choir, as I love to sing. That lasted a whole minute when I heard the music director say to us that the song we sang this past Sunday did not have the effect on the congregation as he had hoped. Wait! Stop! Backup! Isn't God supposed to be in charge here? It had a profound effect at that moment on how I looked at the church. I am not an entertainer. I am just trying to sing for my God. My eyes started to open. If I was right, wrong, or indifferent, a change in my spirit was coming. Does the church try to manipulate people? I needed to find out the truth. Who is this God that they were singing about? I thought I knew but I do not think the Father I know would be too pleased with this. I had been in church all my life. Suddenly I felt like an outsider. My heart was crying enough already! I was questioning the church movement. Please help me God!

I slowly quit going to church and this was a sad day for me. You have to realize, I had been in the church my whole life. This is all I knew. It tore my heart out. I felt as if I was letting God down. The strange thing is, I did not feel his condemnation. I really believe God was preparing me for a journey that would change my whole existence. I am in no way saying this is what others should do nor do I think I will never go to a church again. I am just telling you at this time, I am in a desert place. Sometimes it can feel very lonely without the fellowship of other believers. I have this beautiful God in my life, and I see him moving within my personal life but when I was in the church, it was not the same, I felt differently. I was conflicted; do I go to church just to go? I sat for many years out of so called obedience. That was the way I was raised.

I began to read my Bible. Where are the churches of the Bible times? They have become a huge, corporate, money making, machines. It is the biggest entertainment out there for the masses. Just look on TV. Where is Jesus in all this hype? They talk about him, they say they love him, but actions speak louder than words. All of a sudden Starbucks are being set up the foyers, t shirts are being sold, book stores selling the latest self help books and Cd's are now being sold in the church. Can you even name ten people from your congregation? I could not! I remember a story in the Bible of the money changers who set up in the Temple. If I remember right they were driven out by a very angry Jesus. Is this not the same?

I do believe that God is moving in and out of our lives daily. The Bible does teach this. It is living "Christ" everyday in all we do. It does not make you a Christian by going to church and doing all the rituals. It does make you a better Christian if you get "slain in the spirit" as they call it and go head first to the ground. You are not better the more you can dance, cry, wale, and speak in tongues. It does not make you a Christian by sporting a new suit, new shoes, or dress. It is not how much money one can give. It is all about the heart. Oh God! Please change our hearts!

There are many beautiful people in many churches. I have no doubt that God is using them in magnificent ways. I just wish the churches were not so commercialized. I would love to see more soup kitchens and out-reach ministries for the community. I know there are many churches that do this. It has just not been my experience to find such churches nearby. I guess one could say, get up Sunnie, start a soup kitchen of sorts. It is not so easy. Most churches are so closed and controlled that if you do offer a suggestion, it is not taken too kindly. It is sometimes in who you know. I do not think you have to beat people over the head with your belief. Just by living and speaking the truth of God will bring someone to know this magnificent Lord.

Of course we should not judge someone in their beliefs. I will leave that in the hands of the almighty. We are all on different paths. Everything I have experienced has taught me something. For me it is "living the faith every day. I could be in a park, reading the word, praying and feel so close to my Lord. It is looking out to see another beautiful sunrise, thanking and praising God for another day. It is letting someone go ahead of me in the grocery line. It is in the simple way we live every day. It is wonderful to meet with other believers. I think that is something we should do! It is however getting harder and harder to find that intimacy within the church. I long for that deep relationship within my spirit.

Every doctrine is different and if you question the doctrine within the church, you are no longer met with loving eyes. There is no room for "why". They are too busy with their agenda's. I think that is sad. The church as a whole is there to teach us not teaches at us. Right now I am still searching for a small group of believers who just love God. No agenda's. They just come together to worship, learn, and love one another. It is getting harder to find that kind of church.

As our world gets more commercialized so does our churches. We have the money for the grand buildings but there are little families within the church body, who do not have food in their pantries. They sit every Sunday and listen faithfully to the pastor. Why does the church not recognize them? The church was never intended to entertain us. It was meant to be a service to people. Reaching out beyond the walls, should be our ultimate mission. The money should be going out not kept within for the fancy buildings and entertainment.

Living the Faith is what it is all about in my opinion. It is waking up, taking one step in front of the other, and recognizing God moments in our everyday lives. Loving people and realizing we all are imperfect. It means being accessible, sharing the joy of Christ, by "Living the Faith". Being a living, breathing church not bound by walls. So when I write things on my hub, I promise I am writing from the depths of my heart. I do not have an agenda to sway anyone. I only want to share the love of God through me. It is God’s job to draw him to you. It is way too big of job for me and it certainly would not stick either. Thank you for reading.

Sunnie